november 18th, 2017. a day that led into what was one of the toughest seasons of my life. the season consisted of heartbreak, a shaking of identity, uncertainty, sickness, you name it and I probably felt it / experienced it. the following day, the person I love most in this world fell & broke her hip; leaving her hospitalized. to say I was shook, is an understatement. my entire world had literally been turned upside down. I had just experienced heartbreak; resulting in losing my best friend, I had moved into a new house that day, was transitioning jobs, & had just found out that my granny [my bfffffl in all the land] had been hurt. tears & utter shock. that is how I would describe the moments following that phone call about her. why and H O W had my life gone into complete shambles in a matter of hours? through it all though; through the snot, the tears, the prayers where I was literally begging God to give some type of relief; I felt peace.
a peace that I cannot understand. how could I feel peace in the midst of such chaos? I truly cannot describe it other than God’s sweet, sweet grace & mercy.
He wasn’t punishing me, although it felt like it at the time. the moment eve & adam said ‘yes’ to the knowledge of good & evil; that is what invited this heartbreak, this fear, this anxiety, this sadness. yes, papa allowed it to happen; but what is true, genuine love if it isn’t a choice? He wasn’t going to force adam & eve to listen and obey. they had a choice. and that choice affects you & me daily; no, momentarily.
despite the mess of life, my Savior draws near; He hears & redeems. through days in the hospital, weeks of uncertainty, through countless tear-filled nights, through the loneliest moments; he was the closest. weeping alongside of me, feeling everything I felt.
december 4th, 2018. as I sit here tonight, in mexico, thousands of miles away from home; five days before my overseas outreach. I process the news that my granny is back in the hospital. again, shock & tears. anger & questions. the difference of this year compared to last? I know that my father can handle all of the emotions, all of the questions, all of the fear. it’s not too much; in fact He wants to be invited into the mess.
this is how I know that I have grown since last year, rather than thinking God is against me; I have a certainty that Christ is for me. He is with me through the doubt, sadness, helplessness, and questions. I have that same deep peace again, but this time also a hope. clinging to the hope & the reminder that he is literally here sitting with me AND with my sweet granny through it all; not distant & not far off. but close and caring.
resting with us in the unknown.